There are three pieces of advice I would pass on to anyone who’s working through the process of adoption.

I’m talking here specifically about all the stuff you have to do, to complete, to write, to listen to and say yes to so that you can be approved – not the actual bit you’re presumably interested in: being matched with a child and bringing her/him home.

It is good, practical advice I’m passing on [though I say it myself]. But just one thing to note: G- and I- were approved by a local authority and it may be different in some detail for those going through a private agency. However, I’d be surprised if it differed in essentials.

1. Preparatory groups.This is the bit after your application is accepted and before you are approved to be an adopter. G- and I- attended a half-day training session on trauma and loss, and then four days’ worth on adoption practicalities. Bits of it were interesting. Other bits less so. Anyhow, the main thing is you are being watched. Whatever the social workers say to the contrary, they are assessing you, and it pays to be the school swot. Ask lots of questions. Bone up on the theory, the books, so you can impress them with your knowledge. Be keen. Make yourself noticed.
2. Home study. This bit comes after the prepatory groups and is supposed to make you ready for the approval panel. It can last anywhere from 6 months onwards, though in the UK you’re supposed to have it completed within 8 months. Expect to find the questions, the comments, the invasion of your privacy difficult. Expect to be embarassed, upset or annoyed at least sometimes. If you find yourself sailing through it may be worth asking yourself why you think that is. If the social worker is being easy on you she/he is not doing you a favour because if the panel isn’t completely satisfied it has the power to defer your application or even reject it completely. Likewise, the report the social worker writes on you at the end of the home study should challenge you or at the very least surprise you in one or more of its findings. That means the social worker has done his/her job and investigated you, thoroughly.
3. Brochure. This is your task at the end of the home study: producing a colourful, child-friendly, attractive and interesting document on you and your home life that your social worker will use, along with his/her report [see above], to try to get you matched with appropriate children. The brochure is actually a difficult thing to put together [much more difficult than you might think: we had 3 attempts at it] but don’t give up on it. Ask to see other people’s brochures and get your social worker/adoption agency person fully involved. Above all, get used to the idea that you have to ’sell’ yourself. [Don't fool yourself about this: once approved by the adoption panel you become a commodity - or as they put it, a resource - for your agency, and you need to make yourself as valuable as possible.]

So, those are three of my ‘key points’, though I have written elsewhere about the process of adoption. I’d love to hear what other people’s experiences were/havebeen/are like or if there are any other pieces of advice that may be of use to others.

G- and I are both bookworms, and so I thought it might be useful/interesting/not completely dull to list some of our recommended books on parenting.

Then I remembered that one of the things we had to do way back when we went to our adoption panel to be approved for a child was to provide a reading list.

Don’t ask me why [perhaps it was just to show what swots we are]. The panel certainly didn’t – ask us about our reading, I mean. [Perhaps they could tell - that we were swots, I mean.]

So was it a complete waste of time? Well, almost but not quite, because I can now save myself a bit of effort and cut and paste the list.

• Archer C. First steps in parenting the child who hurts. Jessica Kingsley Publishers 1999.
• Campbell N. Blue-eyed son. Pan 2005.
• Cleese J, Skynner R. Families and how to survive them. Vermillion 1993
• Fahlberg V. A child’s journey through placement. BAAF 1994
• Ford G. The contented toddler years. Vermillion 2006
• Faber A, Mazlish E. How to talk so kids will listen and listen so kids will talk. Piccadilly Press, 2001
• Gerhardt S. Why love matters. Routledge, 2004.
• Hirst M. Loving and living with traumatised children. Reflections by adoptive parents. BAAF 2006
• Layard R. Happiness. Allen Lane 2006.
• The adopter’s handbook. BAAF 2006
• Stoppard M. Complete baby and childcare. Dorland Kindersley 2006
• Verrier N. The primal wound. Gateway 1999.

The one that our social workers were keen on was The Primal Wound by Nancy Verrier. This helped introduce us to social work thinking on adoption and to theories on the damaging effects of childhood trauma, abandonment and loss. But it is a bit of a slog, and any reader should bear in mind that it’s based almost exclusively on research with adopted adults who were relinquished as babies. Here in the UK at least, that’s an increasingly rare phenomenon, and there was always a question in my mind as to how up-to-date the book is.

So which ones did we really like? Well, Sue Gerhardt’s Why Love Matters, which does a fantastic job of explaining early child development, and the one with a long title about talking by Faber and Mazlish. This one’s brilliant at encouraging a healthy relationship with your kids.

Nicky Campbell, who’s a TV presenter in the UK, was adopted and his book is an interesting insight into how it feels to have both birth and adoptive parents [as well as a large extended family]. He’s particularly eloquent on the subject of identity and how adoption affects the jigsaw of your personality.

Richard Layard’s Happiness is nothing less than a prescription for a healthier society and a better environment for us to bring our kids up in. That to me is worth at least a look – which you can do from here.

The other author I should mention is Gina Ford. We found that S- really benefited from routine and stability, especially in the early days and some of Ford’s ideas were helpful. The single most useful advice we had on daytime sleep came from The Contented Baby, and this was to manage things in terms not so much of how long your children stay down but how long they are awake before their naps. That to me was a revelation.

Oh, just one more – ok, two. Murkoff, Eisenberg and Hathaway’s What to expect books are useful aide memoires, and surprisingly amusing, too. But we wouldn’t be without Penelope Leach. Baby and Child [Penguin 1989] might be a bit old now, but to me Leach is the guru. I hang on her every word.