G- tells me that a mother she knows locally used to go out to work while the husband was a stay-at-home dad. The fellow gave up and went back to work eventually, not because he didn’t enjoy domesticity but because he was fed up of being ostracised and ignored.
The straw that collapsed the camel, apparently, was that whenever he put his child on the swings at the local park the women nearby would pick up their own children and walk off.
It’s not uncommon, this deliberate rudeness. It happens to me occasionally, and I’ve been irritated, amused and/or offended by it at different times.
Maybe that’s the key. Like many situations, how you react all depends on your mood at the time. If you’re finding things tough anyway, then other people’s ignorance is only going to make things worse. Conversely, if you’re feeling ok, you can shrug it off.
What really helps you to keep your chin up is company, support, conversation. To be frank, being a lone homedad in a sea of mothers can make finding these important qualities [and a group of friends] rather difficult.
I have been on a few play dates, with varying levels of success. The best ones are where you just visit other people’s houses, have a cup of tea and fondly watch your daughter spray biscuit crumbs all over your hostess’s lounge carpet.
But most days I seem to spend all my time [and not insignificant amounts of money and petrol] driving to far-distant playgroups where, to misquote an old tune, nobody knows your name.
It’s not healthy – either for adoptivedad or beautiful daughter – to dwell on these things. Before you know it you’re increasingly on your own, spending all your cash in branches of a well-known Italian restaurant chain and morosely perusing imported plastic bent into incongrous shapes in the Early Learning Centre. Then the personal hygiene starts to go … and it’s a steep downward slide from there on in.
I’m just kidding. Really I am.
But there are mornings when the world seems against you.
Then you notice that S- has put her shoes and her gloves on by herself. For the first time. And when you’re out walking the dog and pushing the buggy passers by, both pedestrians and drivers, are smiling because your 19-month-old daughter has insisted on wearing the crazy, wraparound sunglasses you thought you’d hidden and is waving at everybody from behind them like an A-list celebrity.
Then you realise how blessed you are to have these moments.
February 5, 2008 at 10:10 am
Yes, I have always thought that men who stay at home to look after their children have a tough job in terms of building relationships with other stay-at-home parents who are generally women. I have in the past invited stay-at-home dads around to be sociable, partly because I find them more interesting and yes, also because no-one else does and I feel sorry for them! But the teasing gets wearing – I know it is only fun – but the number of people who then suggest that I must fancy these men is incredible (and shows how little they know about me!) I think many women feel that they can not talk about the same sort of things with a man or simply do not talk in the same way.
On the odd occasion when I have been more upfront about my own situation, I have also found people less willing to accept me into their little samey cliques and have learnt to keep quiet. But obviously you cannot really hide the fact that you are different – I presume you do not fancy attending playgroup as a crossdresser???
But yes, you are right re the influence of mood. Most days it is all fine and you take it in your stride, but every now and then people’s hostility or just way of treating you differently feels more like a personal assault and is upsetting or annoying. But it must feel like an uphill battle for you? I find people are more chatty in less formal settings – at playgrounds and stuff, or at least they will talk about more interesting things. I have never been one for coffee mornings and nappy talk!
Good luck!
February 5, 2008 at 7:35 pm
Cross-dressing? Hmmm, now there’s an idea!
Thanks, Reluctant, for your very thoughtful and supportive comments. It can be an uphill battle, and I think you’ve hinted at some of the reasons why. I guess we just have to be strong in ourselves and carry on as best we can.
February 5, 2008 at 7:37 pm
Seeing myself referred to in these posts is a strange experience. Particularly when I’m out in the big wide world of work reading them from my desk, I feel as if I am looking in on the special world adoptive dad has at home with S that most of the time I am not part of.
But today’s post made me laugh out loud! Such poignent comments about how hard it really is as a stay at home dad and then a fantastic snapshot that just sums our little girl up so well – waving at people from behind oversize sunglasses like an A-list celeb!!! That’s what she’s like!